Thursday, February 20, 2014

day 2

I was up all night. one of the things I dread the most about the frozen cycle is the insomnia that comes with the lupron injections. I didn't expect it to kick in so soon, but it did. Sigh. 6:15 am came too quickly. I heard the pitter patter of little feet and I knew in seconds I'd be asked to go downstairs with him. I usually try to convince him to go back to sleep, but I wasn't sleeping so I might as well get up with him, right? wrong.

our morning ritual consists of me asking him what he would like for breakfast. he then asks what we have and I spout out every item he could possibly have for breakfast.
me: we have cereal, yogurt, English muffins, toast, and  all kinds of fruit.
COR: how about ice cream?
me: you know we don't have ice cream for breakfast.
COR: I want ice cream. can I have ice cream. I want ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream......

on and on and on....

I've been reading a book called "scream free parenting". not because I scream at my child. it teaches  us how to handle difficult situations, without losing control. and dammit, I was doing awesome at not losing control with this little 3 year old who wanted ice cream. but then...

me: do not open that freezer door unless you're taking out sausage for breakfast.
COR: but I don't want sausage, I WANT ICE CREAM!
and he proceeds to take out the ice cream, with multiple items falling out of the freezer (because our freezer is so tightly packed), and runs around the kitchen chanting "ice cream ice cream ice cream!"

I lost it. I slammed the water pitcher down, (which I was using to fill the coffee machine for my much needed coffee) picked him up, yanked the ice cream out of his hand and told him no. he then screams, "stop it, mom!" and i couldn't take it anymore.  I didn't scream, but I very firmly told him he was going to his room and started to walk up the steps at a fierce pace.  he then starts wailing, kicking his legs, screaming, crying, the works.  I realized my husband was trying to sleep and taking this child to his room wasn't going to allow that to happen.  I put him back on the floor, walked to the refrigerator, took out a container of yogurt, sat him at his table and told him screamed at the top of my lungs for him to sit there, be quiet and eat his yogurt. 

then I sat on the couch and cried, balled, sobbed.  I couldn't control it.  the crying refused to stop.  in less than 2 hours I was going to inject myself with a needle filled with hormones to hopefully allow me to have another child.  what was I thinking?  another one?  I can't even control this one or be a good mother to this one.  who am I to think I deserve to bring another child into this world?

COR is in this awful stage right now of testing us as parents.  "will they really follow through with that threat?  will they really take my toy away?  really put me in my room?  how many times can I ask for ice cream until she gives in and gives it to me?"  I know what he's doing and I'm trying so hard.  but damn these hormones!

I'm ready to throw in the towel.  it's not worth putting my family thru my hormonal misery.  I can't even handle one child, why am I trying for a second?  but then, COR and I both calm down.  he's had his breakfast (not ice cream), I've had my coffee and we're both sitting on the couch peacefully.  he crawls over to me, lifts my arm to place it around his shoulders and snuggles into my side.  he looks up, kisses my cheek and says, "I love you mommy,  you're my best friend.  sorry I didn't listen to you."  ((tears))  I must be doing something right. I know these moments are few and far between and I'm not ready for them to end.  

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