next step

the frozen cycle seems to take forever!  I've been on lupron now for 2+ weeks and I'm still not to the next step!  the next step starts Saturday.  I received my protocol yesterday so I kinda feel as if I'm at the next step, but still 3 more days.....

and then I only move on to the estrogen patches. the transfer is still weeks away! then 12 days after that I'll finally know!  of course, with my luck, my blood test falls on a Sunday, which the lab is closed.  so day 11 I take the test, but we will be on vacation so I have to go to a remote location.  which means I won't get the results until day 12!  Ah!!  it's never easy. the waiting is seriously the hardest part.

as excited as I should be to move on to the next step, I loathe the estrogen patches.  they make me moody, bloated, irritable, you name it.  my poor husband and child.  who knows what I'm going to snap at?  then the progesterone.  combine the two together and look out!!  bitch on wheels coming through!!

maybe it's a good thing I have a vacation to prepare for while doing this.  shopping for bathing suits, beach bags, sunscreen, etc always makes me happy. I just hate this is what we have to go through to have another baby.  Fingers crossed we have a positive result this time and it will all be worth it in the end, but right now it's hard.  I'm trying my best to stay strong for my family.  to stay strong and fight the urge to say "screw it".  and when those hormones start to kick in, I'm going to stay strong and not let them get the best of me.  and if it doesn't end with a positive result?  I will know I did everything I could.

day 2

I was up all night. one of the things I dread the most about the frozen cycle is the insomnia that comes with the lupron injections. I didn't expect it to kick in so soon, but it did. Sigh. 6:15 am came too quickly. I heard the pitter patter of little feet and I knew in seconds I'd be asked to go downstairs with him. I usually try to convince him to go back to sleep, but I wasn't sleeping so I might as well get up with him, right? wrong.

our morning ritual consists of me asking him what he would like for breakfast. he then asks what we have and I spout out every item he could possibly have for breakfast.
me: we have cereal, yogurt, English muffins, toast, and  all kinds of fruit.
COR: how about ice cream?
me: you know we don't have ice cream for breakfast.
COR: I want ice cream. can I have ice cream. I want ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream......

on and on and on....

I've been reading a book called "scream free parenting". not because I scream at my child. it teaches  us how to handle difficult situations, without losing control. and dammit, I was doing awesome at not losing control with this little 3 year old who wanted ice cream. but then...

me: do not open that freezer door unless you're taking out sausage for breakfast.
COR: but I don't want sausage, I WANT ICE CREAM!
and he proceeds to take out the ice cream, with multiple items falling out of the freezer (because our freezer is so tightly packed), and runs around the kitchen chanting "ice cream ice cream ice cream!"

I lost it. I slammed the water pitcher down, (which I was using to fill the coffee machine for my much needed coffee) picked him up, yanked the ice cream out of his hand and told him no. he then screams, "stop it, mom!" and i couldn't take it anymore.  I didn't scream, but I very firmly told him he was going to his room and started to walk up the steps at a fierce pace.  he then starts wailing, kicking his legs, screaming, crying, the works.  I realized my husband was trying to sleep and taking this child to his room wasn't going to allow that to happen.  I put him back on the floor, walked to the refrigerator, took out a container of yogurt, sat him at his table and told him screamed at the top of my lungs for him to sit there, be quiet and eat his yogurt. 

then I sat on the couch and cried, balled, sobbed.  I couldn't control it.  the crying refused to stop.  in less than 2 hours I was going to inject myself with a needle filled with hormones to hopefully allow me to have another child.  what was I thinking?  another one?  I can't even control this one or be a good mother to this one.  who am I to think I deserve to bring another child into this world?

COR is in this awful stage right now of testing us as parents.  "will they really follow through with that threat?  will they really take my toy away?  really put me in my room?  how many times can I ask for ice cream until she gives in and gives it to me?"  I know what he's doing and I'm trying so hard.  but damn these hormones!

I'm ready to throw in the towel.  it's not worth putting my family thru my hormonal misery.  I can't even handle one child, why am I trying for a second?  but then, COR and I both calm down.  he's had his breakfast (not ice cream), I've had my coffee and we're both sitting on the couch peacefully.  he crawls over to me, lifts my arm to place it around his shoulders and snuggles into my side.  he looks up, kisses my cheek and says, "I love you mommy,  you're my best friend.  sorry I didn't listen to you."  ((tears))  I must be doing something right. I know these moments are few and far between and I'm not ready for them to end.  

snow

we recently had snow in atlanta.  the weather down here is weird.  when we moved from NYC, people laughed at us, calling it "hotlanta" telling us we're going to die from the heat.  others were envious, saying how they will be jealous of our amazing weather.  when I contacted the people I knew who lived here, one of the first things they would say was, I was going to love the weather.  I'm gonna say it, "I'M NOT REALLY LOVING THE WEATHER!"  sure, we get our warmer than average Fall and Spring, but the past 2 winters we have been here, have been really shitty and really cold.  and the summer?  it sucked!  it wasn't hot and it rained, a lot.  I mean like, Seattle.  my word of advice to anyone looking to move "south" for better weather, don't move to Georgia.

snow.  atlanta got snow.  it was crazy weird.  the only thing the news talked about for days leading up to it was this massive snow we were going to receive.  massive!  2 inches!  what?  being from indiana and living in NY for years, 2" is not massive.  the day prior to the snow, it was 65 degrees and my husband played golf.  none of us could possibly imagine we were going to get snow and if we did, it certainly woudn't stick.

sure enough we got snow.  and it stuck.  the whole state of Georgia, shut down.  it was amazing.  apparently in the south when you only get snow once every 5 years, you aren't really prepared for it.  people don't know how to drive in it.  it's mayhem.  unless you live under a rock and never see any kind of news, I'm sure you saw all of the images from the storm.  people were stuck for hours upon hours in their cars.  kids were stuck in schools!  it was insane.

we honestly couldn't believe it.  in NY when we got 2" of snow, it almost went unnoticed.  you went to work, schools weren't closed, nothing.  2" was almost a disappointment.  here?  people loved it.  schools were closed for 4 days!  kids went sled riding in 2" of snow!  our neighborhood knows what to do when it snows.  we gather at the neighbors, clad with our crock pots and wine and throw the kids in the back yard with some sleds.  we light fires for when they're cold, toast some marshmallows, drink some hot chocolate and once theyr'e warm again, throw them back out in the yard.  it's something out of a movie.  it's great.  it's why we moved here.

 (snow is also tasty!)

 (extreme sledding.)

 (snowman.)

 (the one thing I like about snow are my Sorel boots.)

 (more sledding.)

now, I'm just hoping we don't get another snow for, I don't know, another 5 years or more.

15 K

I'm not a runner. eh, scratch that, I used to not be a runner.  I have poor breathing skills, I cramp easily, I get bored, etc.  but this past Fall my workout regime was hitting a plateau. I have been addicted to physique57 for years.  in fact they are the only reason I was able to fit into my wedding dress (and I looked damn good in it, might I add).  however, we moved to atlanta over a year ago and unfortunately they don't have a studio here.  I've been religiously doing their DVDs, but we all know how exercise DVDs can be.....boring!  I needed something to mix into my routine.  running.  I'm gonna try running again.  everyone is doing it, right?

so, I started running.  I trained for a 10K to run on thanksgiving day in Indiana, the "turkey trot".  the race started at 8:00 am and it was cold.  I mean like 20 degrees cold.  I contemplated skipping it, but knew I would be disappointed in myself.  I did it.  and did it in 54 minutes, might I add.  apparently I run faster when it's cold?!?  I enjoyed it.  I felt a sense of accomplishment.  I wanted more!

my 3rd attempt at IVF was taking place at the end of december (and we all know how that turned out) so my running had to be put on hold.  I happened to be visiting family in florida the day I received the bad news, so I went for a run.  I needed to clear my mind, let my feet and legs carry me away.  the only noise I wanted to hear was my music and the sound of my feet hitting the pavement.  it was a glorious day, sunny and in the mid 70s and I ran and ran and ran.  it felt awesome.

more running!  I need more running! I signed up for a 15K in atlanta at the end of january.  myself and 4 other mom friends decided to run it together.  we used each other as motivation.  the race was called the "hot chocolate" run.  seemed fitting for the end of january.  you ran the race and at the end you could eat and drink all the chocolate you could ever want.  honestly, the last thing I want to do when I'm done running 9+ miles is eat chocolate, but....
we left our town at 5:30 am.  it was recommended to be at the race 2 hours before start time.  what?  it was cold.  and dark.  so cold.  we did everything we could to stay warm before the race started.  one of the moms brought a blanket.  genius!  we passed it to each other every 10 minutes or so just to keep warm.  finally the race started.  i think it took a good 2 miles just for my feet to warm up.  if it wasn't for my handy nike running app, I would have had no idea how fast I was running.  "you have completed 1 mile.  your average pace is 8:57 per mile."  I love when she gives me an update.  surprisingly my pace was just where I wanted it to be.  the race was tough and hilly and even boring in a few spots, but I kept running.  I never stopped nor did I walk.  I even passed up the chocolate station at mile 5.  (right?  what run has a chocolate station?)  eventually my GPS told me I was at mile 9, only .3 miles to go!  I turned the corner and it was all down hill from there, literally and figuratively.  it felt awesome.  I crossed over the finish line and heard my average pace was 8:40 per mile.  my best time ever!  talk about feeling proud?!?  I still smile just thinking about it. 

More!  I need more! (did I mention I have a slightly addictive personality?) and I got it.  3 more weeks until I run the Augusta half marathon.  wish me luck!

 (Before. I'm the obnoxious one in the puple.)

 (After!)

 (Celebratory Bloody Mary.)

(Scenes from the race.  Yes that's the moon!  Our chocolate reward.  The finish line!)

Juice

I bought a juicer yesterday.  I'm so excited.  $63 at target!  do you know who was more excited?  charlie.  I went to target while he was in school.  I bought him a bicycle helmet for his new scooter and a new batman backpack.  I couldn't wait to show him his new gifts.  he saw them, tossed them aside, saw my juicer on the counter and asked with bright eyes, "what's THAT?"  who knew?

we immediately started juicing.  I had a little bit of everything and that's what we juiced.  1/2 of an apple, a clementine, some mango pieces, a celery stalk and some kale.  and it was amazing.  seriously the best juice I've ever had.  wanna guess who liked it even more?  yep!  the 3 year old.  first thing he asked this morning was for some "fresh juice" as he calls it.  next up, a trip to the grocery store for fruits and veggies!

fourth time is a charm

that's the saying, "fourth time is a charm", right?  well, it's gonna be my saying.  whoever was the one who coined "third time is a charm"?  what do they know anyway?  I'm only assuming it was a man.  my husband and I had our follow-up IVF consult with the doc today.  he's the one who actually said 4th time will be the charm.  (his words to my ears.)  I feel beat, exhausted, deflated. every emotion that goes with defeat is how I feel.  he said my uterine lining was the perfect thickness, the embryo thawed beautifully, the transfer went just as it should have gone.  yet the end result is failure.  then what the fuck happened?  it's what I don't understand.  three times now this is what he's told me and yet three times it has failed.  the doc said, "well, it's time now to really start looking at these things.  this is all just window dressing."  huh?  "a window at bloomingdale's may be completely gorgeous on the outside, but the quality of the merchandise in that window may be crap."  oh, finally terminology I can understand, fashion. 

so where does that leave us?  tests.  and more tests.  there is bloodwork that can be done.  they use the same tests on women who repeatedly get pregnant, but have miscarriages.  it's an issue with clotting.  IF it comes back that I have this issue, then I take medication, a blood thinner.  there's a catch.  in the patients with recurring pregnancy with recurring pregnancy loss it is a proven fact this medication will work.  however, with IVF patients, it is not proven.  it's just taking another shot in the dark and hoping something will stick.  literally.  the bloodwork also costs thousands of dollars.  there is a chance our insurance will cover it, but we have to get it authorized.  it's a test that he highly recommends though.  so now I'm waiting to see if our insurance company will authorize it.  if it doesn't?  then it's a question of do we spend the thousands of dollars on a test that MAY come back positive and the medication I take for it MAY work.  it also may not.
in addition to this test, there's another route we may take.  as of now, I have 4 frozen embryos left.  although on the exterior these embryos look "beautiful" they could technically be abnormal embryos.  this is where the whole window dressing thing comes into play.  so there's another test.  genetic testing where they test each embryo to see if it's normal or not.  a woman my age with my AMH levels should have about 50% normal embryos.  it may come back higher, which would be great.  or it could come back lower, which would suck.  the test involves starting with a fresh cycle (which is certainly more invasive), retrieving all my eggs, fertilizing them, turning them into embryos and then genetically testing them.  this way we would know for sure the embryos being transferred are 100% normal.  sounds awesome, right?  oh yeah, the insurance has to approve this too.  sigh.

and that's where we are, waiting for insurance approval for everything.  double sigh.  my husband's company switched to a new insurance policy the first of the year so we are back at stage one with the authorization process.  listen, I know how fortunate we are for having insurance coverage on this process.  I know how expensive it is.  I apologize for sounding like a bitch, complaining about the insurance process.  it's just the last 3 times, it was already approved.  we knew what we were dealing with on the former insurance company.  and now there's a chance that none of this will be approved.  then what?

then, I thank my lucky stars for the gorgeous son I already have.  I thank my lucky stars every day for him, believe me.  he's my world and I love him so much.  he's what keeps me going everyday.  he's what keeps me going thru this process.  I love him so much I want to bring another one into the world.